We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me when my alarm goes off
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.