Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle