“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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