[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
You Might Also Like
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
me linking you to my twitter
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Hilarious if literal: arms race