[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.