My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.