Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
You Might Also Like
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that