If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My whole life was a lie.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”