Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer