Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
what’s really going on
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!