People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Cat.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.