Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.