its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.