After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Google Pay be like:
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence