Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
HERE’S MARKY
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.