i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.