Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself