Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A classic…
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.