*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
CUTE CAT‼︎
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.