There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
They grow up so quick
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
This is my brand.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?