Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I already tried new things thanks.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral