*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
pep talk
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Oh the world we live in…
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this