There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You Might Also Like
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*checks Timeline*…
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.