Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
You Might Also Like
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Salad is the decaf of food.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life