It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
You Might Also Like
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
it must be school picture day
Day 2 of my diet
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Did my cat write this
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.