My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
classic mixup
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example