Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels