[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
True
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Friday
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.