If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
#math
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.