[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!