I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger