Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Love is always patient and kind.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical