(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Yup!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The Others (2001)
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.