This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?