All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church