The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.