Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
😂😂
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
accurate
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Is fructose made with real fruct?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.