I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats