Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
i did the math
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Coffee is ready.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.