I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.