*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
dam girl
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair