Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar