*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Self-cleaning conscience
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*