My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Do not levitate over flowers
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
181.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.