I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.