My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.