Owl Sanctuary
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I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.