When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
You Might Also Like
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.