Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The Joker was right
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.