How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!